I blurted out my frustrations yesterday and it has been amazing to see the response. I realise that in this journey I mostly focus on all the good bits- and there have been alot - but often I carry to angst and pain of the uncertainity of this road on my own. It felt good to share what I have been dealing with and to hear that I am not alone. While I experience so many miracles in the work I do, the day to day is often exhausting, given that there are no guarantees on this path and it is a gamble to even try. I know that is life, but the artistic endeavour is one that requires that we reach right into the depths of our souls, draw out all that is sacred to us, and slap that out on canvas, in words or in song and then trust that we can actually survive long enough to see our work have some sort of impact in the world.
I watched Elisabeth Gilbert's TED talk on Genius last night with some girl friends and it brought home to me, that as an artist, my job is to just show up and do my work. If by some divinely happy accident that work is infused with that something extra - that 'X Factor' if you will - then WOW, Thank You, Yipppeee! But that is something I have no control over - just like I cant control if the radio stations will play my songs, or if people come to our shows or if this dream plays out exactly the way I hope it will. All I can control is that I show up because I love what I do, and but that account I love how hard the road is at times, because that is what grows me. That is what gives my work depth and allows me to connect with similar experiences in others - be it through song, poem or a talk.
Pondering this all today brought me to a song I have been working on recently, and I have been belting out the chorus at my piano and getting present to the fact that this is the road I choose - the ups, the downs, the disappointments, the celebrations - all of it - and I am in for the long ride!
"So if at first I don't succeed, just keep your eye on me - 'cos I'll try and I'll try again - until the day I win - I wont give in. And if at first you don't succeed - all you ever need... is to try and to try again - until the day you win - DONT GIVE IN!!!"
